There is a lot of fear in the world. As a result, this fear is packaged up and sold back to you. It comes in the form of people living in exclusive gated communities, investing in top-notch alarm systems, purchasing security dogs, and so on and so forth.
In addition, we have the Second Amendment. The Right to Bear Arms. A very controversial topic as different parts of the country have conflicting views on it. Some people like to keep guns, knives, pepper spray, swords, tasers etc. all within an arms reach. After all the apocalypse is coming!
But not these bare arms. My militia comes in the form of creams, lotions, chapsticks, vicks, allergy meds, nose spray, aloe vera, and water bottles. They’re at my bedside at all times. Sometimes I keep it under my pillow, because I never know when there is going to be an attack. You see, when you have unpredictable skin its always best to be prepared. A bit bizarre yes I know, but like a home invasion my skin could strike at a moments notice.
What exactly happens? Well, a slew of things. Lets break it down.
My skin is so dry it can give the sahara desert a run for its money. So in the event that it doesn’t turn into Ben Steins personality. I have about five different creams and lotions near me at all times. Guarding me like a nether fortress (Minecraft people!). Otherwise, I turn into a prune. You know when you’re in the bathtub or shower too long and your fingers get wrinkly? That would be what my body turns into.
Think of it this way. I’m a little bit like the tin man where I need a change of oil to prevent rust. Swap out the oil for lotions and creams and you get me. Although I’m pretty sure I don’t need a heart.
Then we have the itch factor. Kind of like The X Factor except the competition is to see which part of my body will be itchiest first. Yup, this son of an itch is lethal. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and goes in for the kill. It starts out as a little tickle. As if someone were to play a prank where they smear shaving cream on your hand then grab a feather to tickle your nose. Except its no prank. This is followed by “The Itchy and Scratchy Show.” Next thing you know, you’re waking to frosted flakes. Your skin has shed all over and you’re thinking GRRRRRRRRRRRReat…Not again! The aloe vera comes in handy at this point, it calms the irritation.
Last but not least are allergies. Ahhhh yes! Good ole allergies. We go waaaaaaay back, like an old school chevy cadillac. Allergies and I grew up together and they’ve been attacking me ever since. And boy oh boy do they come in full force. My allergies creep up on me smoother than an Ocean’s Eleven bank heist. It starts with a sneeze. After that is the postnasal drip, watery eyes and nasal congestion. Followed by my throat closing up like a vacuum sealer. So to avoid this I grab the vicks, nose spray, allergy meds and water. Then like Bernie Madoff handling your investments…it all goes away.
The Second Amendment. The Right to Bare Arms… legs and anything else that may try to attack me!
Watch the animated version below…